There’s a line from a Tim McGraw song that captures beautifully what it feels like to do life in community: “I miss being somebody everybody knows there; Everybody knows everybody”.
To be seen, to be known, and to be loved.
These are all aspects of what it looks like to cultivate deep friendships, to live in community and to do life with others. Yet for so many of us, it can be challenging to find our people and feel like we truly belong. We hear ourselves singing along with Tim McGraw, reflecting back to years gone by when it seemed almost effortless to do life with others.
For myself, I’ve experience many different seasons of friendships. I’ve experienced what it is like to live in a place where “everybody knows everybody” – where I have felt deeply loved by and deeply connected with those around me. In other seasons, I’ve experienced what it feels like to be on the outside of that – a newcomer longing for friendship and deeply yearning to be a part of a tight-knit community again.
But if there is one thing I’ve found to be true, it is this: there are others just like you, looking to be seen, known and loved too.
Several years ago I read a book that shared a simple principle, completely changing the way I looked at seasons of loneliness and longing. In Find Your People: Building Deep Community in a Lonely World, Jennie Allen shares that sometimes (scratch that… most of the time) overcoming loneliness requires taking initiative and a willingness to go first.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I LOVE to be invited. In fact, I would much rather be invited all the time. I’m an introvert at heart that hates to put myself out there and I do my best to avoid all forms of rejection like the plague.
But I also believe that most of us feel exactly the same way. And when we choose to overcome our own fears and doubts, and instead extend an invitation to someone else, it opens our hearts and our eyes to those around us in a new way. Rather than expectantly waiting to receive, we are able to extend gifts of grace to those around us, and in turn, we receive abundantly more than we could have ever imagined.
Last summer, I found myself craving community and wanting to do life with others in a more intentional way. Andy and I had just come out of a busy season of renovations and I had recently transitioned out of my full time job. I felt it was the perfect opportunity to truly prioritize doing life with others and to incorporate some sort of regular rhythm of gathering with a small group of people.
Around this time I had also watched a couple Instagram reels of some people hosting monthly dinner parties and I thought it was such a fun idea. How cool it would be to be a part of something like that! And then it hit me: “Be the one to go first.”
So I connected with a new friend who had done something similar before she moved to our area, and asked if she would consider hosting a monthly ladies’ dinner party with me. To my delight, she excitedly accepted the invitation and we got to work planning. We decided we needed to keep the group small with 6-8 ladies to ensure everyone could contribute to the conversation easily and no one would feel lost in a crowd. We also wanted the group to be multi-generational with a mix of ages and life experiences so we could all learn from one another. Lastly, we wanted it to be the same group of ladies every month so that we could get to know one another and help facilitate deeper conversations.
We invited a handful of ladies that we did not know well, but knew well enough to know they may be open to coming. Some were so grateful for the invitation and right away committed to coming each month. Others were appreciative of the invite and perhaps wanted to be a part of it, but for one reason or another couldn’t commit to coming. And others simply didn’t reply to the invitation. We chose not to get discouraged by the last two groups, realizing that they may simply be in a different season of life, and we just kept intentionally extending invitations until we found our people.
And I’m so thankful we did. Over the last seven months, our monthly dinner party has been incredibly life-giving and encouraging for our little group of ladies. We’ve had some of the most amazing conversations around the table and gotten to know one another in a way that doesn’t just happen by accident. I have found a deep sense of community and some incredible people to do life with, and it all started with a simple decision to be the one to go first.
There’s a quote by Mahatma Gandhi that people often refer to when it comes to big societal changes: “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” Yet, I believe this quote is applicable to the change we want to see in our own lives as well. If you are in a season of loneliness or longing, be the change. Be the friend. Be the one to reach out. There are others just like you, longing for a friend, for an invitation, for a sense of belonging. Be the one to go first.
This Darling Adventure 